I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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