wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
