My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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