the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
