The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
