My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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