I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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