dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the day after is always just damage control
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you inspire me to be a worse person
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
