It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
