I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
how does that bad decision feel?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
