Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize