last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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