i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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