It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
