happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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