you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
