I got chris browned last night
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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