tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
