So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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