he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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