Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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