Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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