i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
