Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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