I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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