he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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