just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
