nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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