I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
