is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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