My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
