I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
