Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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