Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he puts the penis in happiness.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
