if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
