Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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