I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
