She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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