wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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