Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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