I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
