Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize