accomplished twins. life is a go
handjob tips. give me some.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
