Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
