Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
