I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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