I am spending my child support on dildos
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your cock deserves a montage
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
