i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
