I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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