You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
