we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
