i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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