I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
