If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize