I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
