New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
