Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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