it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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