Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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