I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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