Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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