I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
