i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
