Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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