I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
