Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
