I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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